Saturday, February 9, 2013

Last Night...

...he came to me in my dreams.

It was beautiful.  I miss him.

Is it possible to hold on to a fragment of a dream as if it were a memory?

This is what I will do with this piece of my dream.

Every now and again, Seth will visit me in my sleep.  When my body is at ease and my Spirit, the realest part of who we are as people, who I am, is in the drivers seat.  Usually, in these dreams, Seth is so happy...and we play...and sometimes he talks to me...he always smiles that beautiful smile...and I hold him.

I hug.
I squeeze.
I kiss.
I hold him.

And it feels so real, like tangible.  Like...I can smell him on me when I wake back up.

And though I am always grateful for these encounters, I am always a little sad when I've risen because more often than not...I'd rather be with Seth.

I never stay in that place though...that space of sorrow and 'woe-is-me'...I don't stay there because I will be with him...eventually.

But I'm straying.

So this dream I had last night.  It was so vivid and sharp.  It was fun.  My Sissie was there too.  Even though it was so clear to me while it was happening and when I woke up, the only thing that I remember is that Seth stood up and took 5 steps to me.

Auntie Shima (my Sissie) & Seth

You see, my Seth never got the chance to walk on his own.

This is huge.

I'm holding on to it.  Like a memory.

Only it's not.  It's a part of my brain wishing and hoping and FEELING all the things that I should have been able to do with my Seth.  All the things that were stolen from me by his sudden parting.

It's a mom...wanting her son.

Seth & Mommy at his 1st Birthday Party
Oh...but the dream was so sweet.  Wherever we were (I can't remember now), I was sitting on the floor kind of packing up his bag like we were going to the park or something, and my sister was sitting by him and I told him to come over to me so I could put his shoes on or something to that matter...and instead of crawling, he stood up and walked to me.  I shouted to my Sissie, "Oh my God look he walked over to me!"  I was brimming with excitement and he was smiling and he hugged me tight around my neck.

5 Steps.

"Yeeeeaaahhhh" is what we are saying.

He walked.

And all day long, all I could do was replay that small part of what actually was a FANTASTIC dream about him.  And even though Seth walking was so sweet, it is this part that pulls at my heart.

He hugged me.

I felt it.

I feel it now.

I'm holding on to it.  Like a memory.

Now I know that many of you will read this...and many of you will cry (I'm sorry I don't mean to make you cry), but DON'T.

Don't cry...I do enough of that.

Instead...go to your children, your nieces and nephews, your grandkids, your neighbors kids, a kid at church...go to them and hug them.

Squeeze them tight.
Make a memory.
Tell them you love them.

Now...don't just be hugging on random kids (wipe your tears and laugh :-)

Friday, February 1, 2013

Fragmenting My Time

Hello World,'s been a minute since I've posted to my little blog here, but I have a good reason why I have been gone so long.


La Escuela (I'm not taking Spanish but saying that sounds so pretty!)

I have returned to college for the Spring 2013 semester and I am loving it.

L.O.V.I.N.G. IT!

I am taking five classes this semester so that I can catch back up from where I left off.

You see, when my Seth passed, I was in school and doing well I might add for a mom who was juggling School/Work/Husband/Children/Activities/Laundry/Dinner/Boo-Boo's/Feelings and anything else you can think of in there.

I worked from 8a - 4p with about a 1.5 hour commute on the bus to and from work.  I was a full-time student (I take my classes online) with a SUNY college.  And I managed my home and family full-time.  That year in school, I made the President's list, (I didn't know this existed) for maintaining an excellent GPA.

I was managing my time.

And then time stopped.

What a cutie!

When Seth passed, school was the last thing on my mind.  The school I was attending was more than understanding and allowed me to withdraw from my courses with no penalties.  I love my school.

It has been a few years now since my baby has been gone in the flesh and I felt it was time to return to the world of Academia and complete what I started.

I am taking 3 of the classes that I was enrolled in at the time and 2 additional classes.  They are interesting and I am learning a lot.  I am posting this in between doing my homework.  I completed my Chemistry and Math and am gearing up for English right now (some reading tonight).

I am also fighting a sinus infection. YUCK!

As the weeks progress, and I practice more of my writing, I will figure out the avenue I'd like to take this little blog down.  I'll post as often as I can and share my experiences as I work towards my degree.

Stick with me on this ride as I take back the Fragments that I lost.