Saturday, February 9, 2013

Last Night...

...he came to me in my dreams.

It was beautiful.  I miss him.

Is it possible to hold on to a fragment of a dream as if it were a memory?

This is what I will do with this piece of my dream.

Every now and again, Seth will visit me in my sleep.  When my body is at ease and my Spirit, the realest part of who we are as people, who I am, is in the drivers seat.  Usually, in these dreams, Seth is so happy...and we play...and sometimes he talks to me...he always smiles that beautiful smile...and I hold him.

I hug.
I squeeze.
I kiss.
I hold him.

And it feels so real, like tangible.  Like...I can smell him on me when I wake back up.

And though I am always grateful for these encounters, I am always a little sad when I've risen because more often than not...I'd rather be with Seth.

I never stay in that place though...that space of sorrow and 'woe-is-me'...I don't stay there because I will be with him...eventually.

But I'm straying.

So this dream I had last night.  It was so vivid and sharp.  It was fun.  My Sissie was there too.  Even though it was so clear to me while it was happening and when I woke up, the only thing that I remember is that Seth stood up and took 5 steps to me.

Auntie Shima (my Sissie) & Seth
WOW!

You see, my Seth never got the chance to walk on his own.

This is huge.

I'm holding on to it.  Like a memory.

Only it's not.  It's a part of my brain wishing and hoping and FEELING all the things that I should have been able to do with my Seth.  All the things that were stolen from me by his sudden parting.

It's a mom...wanting her son.

Seth & Mommy at his 1st Birthday Party
Oh...but the dream was so sweet.  Wherever we were (I can't remember now), I was sitting on the floor kind of packing up his bag like we were going to the park or something, and my sister was sitting by him and I told him to come over to me so I could put his shoes on or something to that matter...and instead of crawling, he stood up and walked to me.  I shouted to my Sissie, "Oh my God look he walked over to me!"  I was brimming with excitement and he was smiling and he hugged me tight around my neck.

5 Steps.


"Yeeeeaaahhhh" is what we are saying.

He walked.

And all day long, all I could do was replay that small part of what actually was a FANTASTIC dream about him.  And even though Seth walking was so sweet, it is this part that pulls at my heart.

He hugged me.

I felt it.

I feel it now.

I'm holding on to it.  Like a memory.

Now I know that many of you will read this...and many of you will cry (I'm sorry I don't mean to make you cry), but DON'T.

Don't cry...I do enough of that.

Instead...go to your children, your nieces and nephews, your grandkids, your neighbors kids, a kid at church...go to them and hug them.

Squeeze them tight.
Make a memory.
Tell them you love them.

Now...don't just be hugging on random kids (wipe your tears and laugh :-)



Friday, February 1, 2013

Fragmenting My Time

Hello World,

Soooo...it's been a minute since I've posted to my little blog here, but I have a good reason why I have been gone so long.

School.

La Escuela (I'm not taking Spanish but saying that sounds so pretty!)

I have returned to college for the Spring 2013 semester and I am loving it.

L.O.V.I.N.G. IT!

I am taking five classes this semester so that I can catch back up from where I left off.

You see, when my Seth passed, I was in school and doing well I might add for a mom who was juggling School/Work/Husband/Children/Activities/Laundry/Dinner/Boo-Boo's/Feelings and anything else you can think of in there.

I worked from 8a - 4p with about a 1.5 hour commute on the bus to and from work.  I was a full-time student (I take my classes online) with a SUNY college.  And I managed my home and family full-time.  That year in school, I made the President's list, (I didn't know this existed) for maintaining an excellent GPA.

I was managing my time.

And then time stopped.

What a cutie!


When Seth passed, school was the last thing on my mind.  The school I was attending was more than understanding and allowed me to withdraw from my courses with no penalties.  I love my school.

It has been a few years now since my baby has been gone in the flesh and I felt it was time to return to the world of Academia and complete what I started.

I am taking 3 of the classes that I was enrolled in at the time and 2 additional classes.  They are interesting and I am learning a lot.  I am posting this in between doing my homework.  I completed my Chemistry and Math and am gearing up for English right now (some reading tonight).

I am also fighting a sinus infection. YUCK!

As the weeks progress, and I practice more of my writing, I will figure out the avenue I'd like to take this little blog down.  I'll post as often as I can and share my experiences as I work towards my degree.

Stick with me on this ride as I take back the Fragments that I lost.

Always,
Me.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Blogging...and the Fragments Thereof

Hello World.

Wow.  Today I deleted my old blog:

Fragmentsofloss.blogspot.com

And have created this new one.

FragmentOfLoss.Blogspot.com

I learned a few things about blogging today and am so appreciative of all the info that is out there.  

I wanted to add the social media buttons onto the site (so you guys can peruse my happenings at your leisure), and needed some assistance in doing so.  I found this website by a lovely Blogger, Karen of SewManyWays.  Thus far, her tutorial is THE! most helpful.

Thank you Karen for talking 'computer' in lamens terms.  

I got my FREE buttons here.

Super easy to download and add following Karen's simple steps.

I'm so excited to get this Blog going!

So...with that being said, you'll notice my previous posts are not in any correct order.  I absolutely promise that my future posts will be seamless.

I've got a few things I'd like to share in a few different posts.  

Until then...

Always,
Me

For Unto Us a Child Is Born.


Wishing Everyone a Blessed Christmas Day!
Be filled with Love, Joy & Peace.


Bitter > Sweet




Hello World.

Today is December 20, 2012.  My son, Seth, would be 6 years old today, and though I think on him often, (as in every waking moment that I breath), today's thoughts on him were bittersweet.

Bitter because I miss him. A lot.

Sweet because I gave, selflessly.

I will explain.

After Seth passed, I found myself searching...for myself.  Searching for something spiritually tangible that would fill the now overwhelming part of me that was gone.  

What could I do?

How could I heal?

And ever so softly did God whisper to me, "Give".  It was an unction.  A feeling in the core of me that said to give.  Give to children, like Seth, who may have to spend occasions like Christmas or their birthday in the hospital.  Give to these children whose parents may be facing an overwhelming mountain of medical bills and may not be able to give as they would on those occasions.  Or even more, who could care less about a Christmas or a birthday as their sick child may not see the next one.  Those families aren't thinking about gifts.  

They are thinking about life.

And so I thought, how do I give?  Where do I give?

So I created a foundation in memory and honor of my son, The Seth Aaron Wright Foundation.  

Every year, from November to the last Sunday in December BEFORE Seth's birthday, we host a Holiday Toy Drive.  We collect toys and baby items like blankets and hats, and we donate them to the children at The Maria Fareri Children's Hospital @ Westchester Medical Center in Valhalla NY.  This year, our Toy Drive was held on Sunday December 16 at a gym in Middletown NY.  The owner of the gym is a giver, selflessly.  He allows us use of the space to collect for our drive. He is a beautiful spirit.

Today is Seth's birthday.  It is our delivery day for the toys.  It is a bitter and sweet day for me.


One of my besties, Ginny, my daughter, myself, and Ginny's sister Patty.



As we arrived at the hospital to make the delivery, I was on line at the reception area waiting to give my information. There was a lady on the line giving her information and I don't think all of her marbles were in the same jar.  I say that to say, she took a while.  And the longer she was there, the longer I had to stand and wait.  And do nothing.  And wait.

Then it dawned on me.  It is the 'nothing' that leads me to ponder, to think, to remember.

This is when I cry.

The longer that lady tried to figure out how far back she was supposed to stand away from the camera to take her photo for her i.d., the longer I had to ponder.  I gazed around at the lobby as I waited.  I saw the Au Bon Pain where I would go and get my coffee and bagel in the morning when Seth was in the hospital.  I looked behind me at the amazing aquarium that is in the center of the floor, at the fish that had once fascinated and captured Seth's attention.  I looked at the elevator door.  How many times had I gone up and down that elevator with my Seth.

Arriving.

Discharging.

Going for a test.

Going home.

I am now in full tear mode.  And I cannot stop.  

The security guard hurries the lady along so he can get to me.  I pull it together and announce myself and I am back in function mode.  

No more crying.  Though, always remembering.

Once the Toy Drive was over, and I got back home.  A dark sense of natural reality came over me.  I thought about my daughter, how she didn't go to school today and would have to make up her homework before the Winter Recess.  And then I thought on Seth.  

He would be 6 today.

He would be in kindergarten.

He would have homework.

He would be doing it right now at this kitchen table asking me for help, yet I am here alone and that hurts.

He is not here and I miss him. A lot.

This made me cry.  Uncontrollable sobbing.  And I thought about the recent tragedy.  Most of those children were 6.  They were all in kindergarten.  They too had homework.  And next Christmas their mom's and dad's will ponder and think and remember and say, 'my boy would've been 7, in the first grade', and it will hurt.  And they will cry and maybe find themselves where I found myself still one year after my loss.  

Searching.

Our Toy Drive was a tremendous success.  It usually is, whether we collect 1 toy or 1000 toys.  It feels so good to give because no matter how hurt and broken you feel, there is always another soul experiencing a fragment of their loss, and receiving warmth and love from another, especially someone who does know exactly how they feel, is precious.

See you soon!

Always,
Me.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year




I am a December baby.  My Seth, too, was a December baby.

Mommy & Seth, his last Christmas, 12/2008.

I love this time of the year.

Snow.  Cold crisp air.  Cheer.  Joy.  Love abound.


Christmas trees.  Eggnog.  Holiday song.


Giving.


Receiving.


My Saviour, Jesus THE Christ.


Being thankful that God loves me so much, that He came here, in the form of His Son, so that I can be with Him in eternal life.


What better thing can we ask for at Christmas?


I am also thankful that God too loves the children who are of an innocence that we as adults reminisce about.  He loves them so that when they are called home, they go home to Him.


It is Christmas Eve and there are families that have stockings hung, and presents under a tree, that will not be opened.  


Not this Christmas.


Not any Christmas.  Ever again.


Their children, like my Seth, have gone home.


The only thing that will comfort them, whether they realize it or not, is the fact that God loves us all so much, that He came here, for us.


He came because He knows that there is no tangible thing that we can give or receive that compares to the love He has for us.  


I love Him, because He first loved me.


As I return home from our annual Christmas Eve Communion Service at church (I love my church), I am filled with a knowing that no matter what, He loves me. 


He loves us all.


Though everyday is a blessing, Christmas...


...is the MOST wonderful time of the year.

Have a Merry Christmas & A Blessed New Year!

Always,
Me.